An Introvert Living in an Extrovert's World
“Why are you anti-social?” I’ve had this question asked of me on more than one occasion and it’s taken me years to give it more than an “I’m not anti-social” while stomping my feet as a reply. Truthfully I couldn’t articulate how I felt at the time but I know that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around people but sometimes it was just too overwhelming for me.
http://www.smosh.com/articles/18-illustrations-perfectly-capture-what-its-be-introvert
The first time I remember being told I was being anti-social was by my aunt at a family gathering when I was a pre-teen. I come from a loud, Italian family (those two qualities often are synonymous with each other) and they love to get into loud card games. As a child, I would go sit in my room and watch TV or play video games instead of socializing with family, even if the party was in honor of my birthday (I’d find alternative quiet locations if the party was at another family member’s house). At the time I didn’t understand it but I really just didn’t feel good in the loud environment (and all the cigarette smoke didn’t help either). The superficial nature of the yelling over rules of a card game or gossip about family members wasn’t particularly interesting to me so I found other things to do.
Anti-social is defined as “a personality disorder that is characterized by antisocial behavior exhibiting pervasive disregard for and violation of the rights, feelings, and safety of others starting in childhood or the early teenage years and continuing into adulthood (Merriman-Webster Dictionary).” I am 99.9999% sure I’ve never exhibited this type of behavior but I can admit that in large social gatherings, I tend to move myself to the periphery and quietly observe.
I am an Introvert
Oooh that sounds scary but it’s not. I tried finding a concise definition but struggled with that (amazing that a Google search didn’t lead to something) most were more of introverts are like “x” and extroverts are like “y.” The best I could find (I define best by how it fits me) is this description which comes from an interview of Susan Cain who wrote the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts.”
“Introverts prefer quiet, minimally stimulating environments, while extroverts need higher levels of stimulation to feel their best. Stimulation comes in all forms – social stimulation, but also lights, noise, and so on...So an introvert is more likely to enjoy a quiet glass of wine with a close friend than a loud, raucous party full of strangers.
It’s also important to understand that introversion is different from shyness. Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, while introversion is simply the preference for less stimulation. Shyness is inherently uncomfortable; introversion is not. The traits do overlap, though psychologists debate to what degree.”
Replace “glass of wine” with barrel-aged stout and there I am with a bit of shyness splashed in for fun :)
The Early Years … Discovering I’m an Introvert & Trying Harder
It wasn’t always abundantly clear to me why I didn’t fit in well over the years but this is likely one of the reasons. It would also be an issue over my years of participation in team sports. While my teammates liked chatting and being loud before games (or between games of tournaments), I NEEDED to be sitting alone, listening to music, and (often) mentally preparing for whatever the sport was to feel good (I define that as not feeling overwhelmed/anxious and feeling prepared for the game).
At the time I didn’t realize the impact this had on my teammates, they likely thought I didn’t like them, didn’t care, or was anti-social but the truth was (is) if I didn’t sit alone and prepare the entire event/game was a bit too much for me. I didn’t figure this out until playing softball on a woman’s tournament team a few years ago when I was confronted about it. When I was allowed to articulate how I felt, my teammates understood but I wondered how things could have been different over the years if I was either able to articulate my feelings or if someone simply asked me about it (rather than assume I was anti-social, uncaring, etc). I now make a conscious effort to be a “better” teammate cheering more and not isolating myself (even if I feel like it’s what I NEED). That has its pluses and minuses but mostly I do it because I want to fit into the group and not give the wrong impression.
The other flip side of pushing myself to being more extroverted (i.e., fitting in) is that it takes A LOT of energy out of me. The most exhausting days of my life are the first days of new job or any large events. I’ve learned that I cannot attend CEU events with large crowds like the National Athletic Trainers’ Association Annual Meeting because I easily become overwhelmed so I choose to find smaller CEU events with a focused skill/topic to further my education. Handling my introversion at work is something that I think I’m getting better at but is still a challenge. Though I love working with people and helping people, it’s exhausting for me to work in one-on-one situations all day but I can lead groups with ease.
Some of you who are reading this know me personally and might not even think of me as an introvert, but if you think back to our first interactions I bet you’ll see some of the signs. I tend to stick to the periphery, quietly observe (until I figure out where I fit into the situation), I stick to very “vanilla” questions, and sometimes my RBF (resting bitch face) is a bit strong. It takes me a bit of time to figure out where I fit into a situation but once I do I’m more likely to be considered a valuable member of the group with a funny personality and big heart.
Are There Other Introverts Out There? …
If you’re wondering if you are an introvert, I found this nice list from Psychology Today lists Nine Signs You’re Truly an Introvert … here’s the list and how I fit each:
You enjoy having time to yourself. This is mostly true of me, especially after a day with a lot of social interactions. I recharge alone, but I do enjoy spending time with others. In larger events, I do better if I’m with a small(er) group of friends.
Your best thinking occurs when you’re by yourself. In college I was never into study groups, I could go do them but I rarely got any good studying in. I need to be alone in my own world and if I’m in public I will be listening to music softly while reading a book or whatever else I might be doing.
You lead best when others are self-starters. I generally don’t take the lead in groups, but I can be a good leader by example. A few times I’ve been asked at work if I see myself in a management role and the answer is 100% no. I have trouble motivating people who do not have their own inner drive and watching people waste effort or talent is a huge pet peeve of mine.
Your the last to raise your hand when someone asks for something from the group. If I raise my hand early I’ll 1,000% have the right/best answer. I think this one ties into self-esteem/self-confidence also. The one time this doesn’t hold true is in seminars when there is a need for a volunteer for demo. If I have something that I want to learn by doing, I’ll volunteer (but this is a newer “ability”) or if no one else is likely to volunteer, I’ll do it (I think of this as taking one for the team and also a way to keep the seminar flowing).
Other people ask your opinion. I’m not sure on this, I suppose people ask my opinion but is that really related to introversion?
You often wear headphones when you’re in a public situation. 1,000% yes...it helps me stay grounded in a way. It used to be music (and sometimes still is) but mostly podcasts on fitness, personal development, and current events.
You prefer not to engage with people who seem angry or upset. I generally think of this as my aversion to conflict and also relate it to my inability to ask deep questions to people because I “fear” upsetting them. Like I will never ask a person if they’re married, have kids, etc unless they bring it up first because I fear things like “oh I my husband died last week.” I know that’s not always the likely answer but if I got one like that, I’m a deer in headlights. The weird caveat to that is that I also have a high emotional intelligence, I recognize what is happening, I know what the appropriate action is, but I feel paralyzed and cannot act. I’m not sure what that really means but maybe I’ll explore it in the future.
You receive more calls, texts, and emails than you make, unless you have no choice. I feel like this one assumes I never answer messages which isn’t true. I am 100% more likely to sent a text or email over a phone call. The only person I can call without feeling awkward is my dad. I ABSOLUTELY hate having to call to make appointments for things, but I can when I have to.
You don’t initiate small talk with salespeople or others with whom you have casual contact. I also don’t ask salespeople for help unless I 100% can’t find what I’m looking for and desperately need it. I will consider going to a different store to find what I need rather than ask a sales associate for help. I am a bit better at small talk with store clerks than I have been in the past.
I know some of this was probably rambling on my part but hopefully it mostly makes sense. It is just my experience with introversion, and might not be 100% true of others. I do ask that if you do not identify as an introvert but you see a person exhibiting some of the above characteristics, give them a chance. You’re likely to find out they’re an awesome person after you peel the first layers of their “onion” off. Though I am an introvert and do need time to be alone to reflect and recharge I do also have times when I feel lonely and need social interactions. If you feel like this describes you and you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me (if it doesn’t and you have questions, you can also reach out). My door is always open to friends and I will help in any ways I can.